chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
