I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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