Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I checked into jail on foursquare
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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