I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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