take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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