Cold hands, warm shart.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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