I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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