Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
