There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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