i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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