your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
