I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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