PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
