awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
