i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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