in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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