i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
