i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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