Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
