my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
