The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize