Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
