She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
