like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
