Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
