she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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