either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
