omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
