now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
