The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize