and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
