he puts the penis in happiness.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
