i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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