now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
