listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
