She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
