apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
