I feel great
I just peed on a car
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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