Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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