you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
