Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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