Betty ford says i'm here all night
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize