new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize