hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
