I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
