I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
