Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
