Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
