she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
