I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
