I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize