Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
