I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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