I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize