Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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