I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize