gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize