Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
